Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Let's Talk About Anxiety

So lets talk about anxiety...
Its an ugly word and one that I deal with on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis.

I feel like I've written about my struggles with anxiety before but I can't remember and am too lazy to look through my past entries so I figured "why not". It's my blog, I do what I want haha.

Why I'm doing this random "serious" post I'm not really sure, especially since I'm sitting her typing this on my computer at work (don't worry I'm on my lunch break!).

On to where it all started (or at least where it started to the best of my knowledge/memories). Looking back on that night I was being completely ridiculous but to a 5 year old with anxiety it was a HUGE deal.
I always had issues falling asleep, I'm not sure if it was because I'd have nightmares or just hated being alone but I would get in full blown fights to the death with my parents over bed time. I finally was allowed to have a TV in my room and would stay up till all hours watching Disney movies "not wanting to fall asleep because I just knew I wouldn't wake up if I did". Well it all hit the fan one night when my dad came in to check on me WAY past my bed time, and there I was glossy eyed watching 101 Dalmations for the millionth time  He went over, unplugged my TV, and told me to go to sleep. I thought the world was ending... I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, all I could do was beg him to plug it back in. I remember sitting in the hall outside of my parents room just crying and screaming until I finally passed out. While I'm not sure if that was a true "panic attack", I'm pretty sure it comes close.

The next panic attack I vividly remember was when I was 10. I had my yearly checkup and the doctor felt a lump in my abdomen that she wanted me to get looked at which meant having my mom take me immediately to the hospital for an ultra sound. In my head all I heard her say was "oh well you're dieing". As soon as we got in the car I couldn't breath. By the end of the 7 minuet drive to the hospital I was crumpled in the floor of the passenger seat hyperventilating. I refused to get out of the car and just screamed at my mom to take me home. She ended up calling my Dr telling her she didn't know what to do with me, they threatened to have nurses come out and carry me into the hospital, which luckily didn't have to happen. I finally "got it together" and shakily walked in on my own will. Mind you the lump was nothing serious I was just so skinny my innards were a lot closer to my skin then they should've been causing a lump and a heavy heartbeat right above my belly button.

Since that break down in 5th grade I've had panic attacks from as frequently as 1 or 2 a week to as spread apart as 1 every month or so.

I started seeing a therapist when I was in 8th grade all the way through my late teens. Ive been diagnosed with different disorders from social anxiety to bipolar disorder with manic tendencies (remember I didn't/don't like sleeping). I'll have to do another post on the bipolar diagnoses... that was an interesting year.. And I've been on countless antidepressants, sleeping pills, ADHD medications, etc. I can say that as of today I am on no daily medications only the random dose if I know I'm going to be in a situation that will "cause heightened anxiety"

I guess I just wanted to to write this post because I've been feeling very down and out of it lately which is why I don't write like I want/promised to.
It's something that I'm dealing with on a day to day basis and I hope that I can get it under control soon.

Sorry for the random stories, I just needed to type them out. I might do a post about the "bipolar year" later, and I'll also try and update more. I feel like my blog is about to go in a totally different direction then my original intent but it's how I'm feeling lately...

Stay tuned

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